urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78 orangezest78 orangezest78 2009-10-01T03:49:30Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:38978 2009-10-01T03:49:30Z 2009-10-01T03:49:30Z <p><em><small>Posted via <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/cosysoftware_en/">LiveJournal.app</a>.</small></em></p> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:38898 2009-10-01T03:31:24Z 2009-10-01T03:31:24Z <p>White tiles<br />Smooth and cool<br />Placed carefully<br />Dirty fingers<br />Creating clean<br />Surfaces<br />Egyptian cotton<br />Sheets<br />White <br />Muslin<br />Searching for<br />White walls<br />Wrapped in a white<br />Cocoon<br />To keep the darkness<br />Away</p><p><em><small>Posted via <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/cosysoftware_en/">LiveJournal.app</a>.</small></em></p> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:37637 2009-08-28T14:14:16Z 2009-08-28T14:14:16Z every time i come here to write<br />my last hidy hole<br />im overwhelmed<br />by all ive left unsaid<br />and my words <br />feel stunted<br />they slip into<br />old groves<br />and settle uneasy<br /><br />i feel less obscure here<br />these days<br />i write better<br />in annominity<br />truer<br />less guarded<br />i flow unchecked<br /><br />what is the most<br />universal human trait<br />fear or laziness? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:35906 2009-07-23T10:59:44Z 2009-07-23T10:59:44Z I am afraid<br />Of people<br />Suddenly<br />As if there<br />Is a fragility<br />Inside me<br />As if I can bear<br />No more <br />Hurt<br />I feel like<br />A doll<br />In the social<br />Arena<br />Smiling<br />Responding<br />Yet always <br />Taking deeper meanings<br />To what is said<br />Picking up on<br />Undercurrents<br />Of angst<br />Feeling the unease<br />Permeate<br />I’m losing that feeling<br />Of truly connecting<br />With others<br />how do I bridge<br />This gap inside me<br />Where did it come from so<br />Suddenly<br />Or did I just forget<br />It was there all along<br />im not alone urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:35696 2009-07-23T10:41:23Z 2009-07-23T10:41:23Z I need to have mediation <br />With myself<br />Explore all the little thoughts<br />I’ve stashed in old boxes<br />They have dog eared edges<br />And faded colours<br />They represent all <br />I used to think<br />I used to say <br />everything happens for a reason<br />I built my life <br />on that small raft<br />But then she turned to me<br />Honest sad eyes<br />Said I used to <br />Believe that too<br />Until she was born<br />I had to watch her suffer every day<br />I can’t see a reason for her<br />I think life is just random<br />Quantum physics if you will<br />Yes we can take<br />All we have been dealt and try<br />With our innately human survival tendencies<br />To see a positive or reason<br />But I don’t think there is one<br />I looked across at her baby<br />a small body hunched over painfully<br />I had no idea how to wrap that theory<br />Around her like a soothing blanket<br />all the pain I have seen lately<br />I felt my fingers trying to clutch <br />That blanket around my shoulders<br />But in reality<br />It was too small<br />life is colder<br />Without the warmth<br />Of my magic urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:35392 2009-07-23T10:30:13Z 2009-07-23T10:30:13Z You don’t <br />Hear me<br />It’s as if my words<br />Split as they<br />Roll over your defences<br />You will<br />Seize <br />half of what<br />I say <br />Turn it inside out<br />Lay it before me<br />Like a dead mouse<br />Headless<br />You will say<br />This is what <br />You do to me<br />This is your words<br />and I scurry<br />trying to find<br />reframe<br />my context<br />all the while<br />my meaning <br />bleeds away<br />they say it is the <br />weather<br />more mice <br />this year<br />because its so <br />wet urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:34974 2009-07-21T13:15:56Z 2009-07-21T13:15:56Z I swam the river<br />swollen <br />flood waters<br />deep holes<br />spining<br />sucking down<br />it was eaiser<br />than it looked<br />i climbed <br />the hill <br />where you waited<br />i knew in <br />my minds eye<br />you would be there<br />safe<br />in the sun<br />your long hair<br />your welcome<br />I was about to arrive<br />I woke up<br />you died urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:34341 2009-07-21T12:29:50Z 2009-07-21T12:29:50Z youll be blind<br />to the courage<br />of heart<br />for absolute slaughter<br />not like her<br />she loves<br />gives<br />without hope<br />for moments<br />stories<br />words<br />lives to infuse her<br />so she may<br />nurse<br />all she has created<br />in the story box<br />of her beautiful mind<br />she will catch you up<br />at every turn<br />youll get a<br />glimpse<br />because<br />becoming is <br />her open arms<br />she is a <br />butterfly urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:33313 2009-05-06T10:27:13Z 2009-05-06T10:27:13Z There is an <br />ocean<br />in the vase<br />sitting <br />beside me<br />sparkle<br />reflected<br />from the gem<br />in its depths<br />the tide rises<br />untill cracks<br />appear<br />it stirs<br />the gentle winds<br />to furious storms<br />that rush over<br />my strings<br />leaving<br />discordant<br />lingering<br />saddness<br />in my heart<br />together <br />going back<br />apart<br />we learn<br />to see no<br />limitations<br />letting go<br />free flowing<br />melody<br />uncontained<br />love urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:33161 2009-05-06T08:43:20Z 2009-05-06T10:39:06Z i could become<br />dust<br />she walked<br />back into the room<br />clutching her<br />vase<br />mended<br />super glued in people<br />black painted in chemicals<br />sat it <br />tentativly <br />upon me<br />said<br />'it belongs to <br />you'<br />inside i<br />a string in question<br />rusted<br />unknowing<br />forced my self out<br />said<br />'no i can never<br />own that...<br />wouldnt want to<br />its weight<br />to much<br />please go<br />learn <br />how to fix it<br />using only it'<br />she sat<br />strumed me gently<br />her fingers<br />loving<br />her eyes glistened<br />'thank you'<br />deep within me<br />one string<br />pulled tighter<br />I am <br />mending <br />myself<br />back in tune<br />I am<br />hanging <br />by a string<br />called love urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:32813 2009-05-06T08:19:19Z 2009-05-06T08:20:16Z I will be<br />leaving<br />for more travels<br />on thinner skin<br />but at least<br />soon<br />i will hear<br />her say my <br />name<br />watch it tumble<br />from her mouth<br />where it rested<br />safely<br />in love urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:32549 2009-04-26T06:18:28Z 2009-04-26T06:18:28Z dust will soon<br />cover<br />this piano<br />one rusted string<br />all it took<br />one note <br />to marr a tune<br />just a moment<br />when fingers<br />move <br />a fraction in<br />time<br />and <br />sweet<br />sound resounding<br />fading to<br />silence<br />inside<br />I sink<br />under <br />the weight of it<br />and settle<br />back onto myself<br />watching her <br />retreat<br />from the <br />room<br />her stance<br />proud<br />in a posture<br />broken<br />clutching<br />what is left<br />of her vase<br />to full<br />both of us<br />scratched<br />in the shatter<br />bearing<br />wounds that will scar<br />the curtain <br />has fallen<br />sun shines<br />through the <br />window <br />beams of light<br />showing the<br />gradual<br />desent<br />of dust urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:32354 2009-04-24T07:41:00Z 2009-04-24T07:41:00Z close your eyes<br />suprise<br />gentle sweetness<br />opens <br />to build<br />a small red boat<br />white sails<br />viking no more<br />rather upsidedown<br />a cup of love<br />I put it in<br />water<br />watch<br />it capsise<br />refusing to sink<br />i fish it out<br />now it sits <br />dry<br />in the table<br />of my childhood<br />with all its<br />typically<br />viking<br />style<br />love stuck <br />the tentative <br />grip <br />of<br />cheap glue<br />I open my eyes urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:32246 2009-04-13T10:10:07Z 2009-04-13T10:10:07Z after midnight<br />i laced<br />all my fears<br />tight <br />dressed in <br />deep bright<br />colours<br />weighed by earings<br />and flouncy shirts<br />I walked wet streets<br />my face painted<br />a mo and a mono<br />watched as recognition<br />dawned slowly<br />on their faces<br />Freida<br />I danced <br />drug free<br />fueled by emotion<br />until worried<br />took me home<br />where she writhed<br />in agony<br />i took her hand<br />drove slowly<br />carfully <br />to emergency<br />and felt my<br />worry <br />like my corset <br />unlaced <br />slowly<br />blissfully<br />ease<br />in the light <br />of dawn urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:31399 2009-03-25T14:18:50Z 2009-03-25T14:18:50Z the small cracks<br />in your lips<br />entice me<br />the uneven<br />surface<br />deceptively smooth<br />small hairs<br />that grow<br />on your high<br />cheek bones<br />whisper<br />and catch the light<br />your hand slips<br />around to<br />caress <br />as you tell<br />stories<br />family<br />all from your<br />sleeve<br />smattered<br />with bonds<br />deep connections<br />narravtives<br />sprinkling<br />to land in the<br />fine webs<br />of my mind<br />synapses firing<br />as i join<br />together<br />the facets<br />of you<br />like a crystal<br />multiple<br />fractures<br />light reflecting<br />i read <br />to your listening ears<br />and eyes distracted<br />of the 3rd n 4th<br />chakras<br />n all the while<br />her sprit sleeps<br />in a cat<br />curled<br />between us<br />I thought i had<br />lost you<br />in the thin face<br />of a stranger<br />but i had only<br />lost myself<br />in hormones<br />and old fears urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:31090 2009-03-24T11:46:43Z 2009-03-24T11:46:43Z I held<br />a pastel apricot<br />rainbow glazed<br />ceramic bowl<br />over the blue grey<br />chipped<br />concrete floor<br />this is our<br />relationship<br />Im holding<br />with sweaty<br />slippery fingers<br />the bowl you treasure<br />Im prepared to <br />smash it<br />like you are<br />with your addiction<br />you hold your<br />smoke tightly<br />and play all your <br />cards <br />slowly in your<br />desperate little<br />game of will<br />eventually <br />pointing<br />to our third party<br />your other love<br />hidden<br />under our matress<br />dwelling<br />beneath<br />our sleeping<br />spirits<br />this deceptive white<br />that consumes<br />you<br />I lock it away<br />in a black box<br />hold the key<br />on a necklace <br />protecting <br />my heart urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:30850 2009-03-24T11:23:19Z 2009-03-24T11:27:35Z there is a <br />farmhouse<br />by the rivers edge<br />down the end<br />of a long drive way<br />two glass doors<br />one set slightly<br />ajar<br />white walls<br />surfaces polished<br />clean<br />i can see<br />my reflection<br />here<br />see you reaching<br />with longing<br />for a past<br />where you felt <br />safe<br />there is a risk<br />that raging<br />waters<br />could wash away<br />all i thought<br />i was<br />it lingers<br />like the sky <br />looms larger<br />and hangs low on <br />my brow<br />curling toes to <br />claw a grip in<br />grassy yet barren<br />flat land<br />I am exposed here<br />where i cant help<br />but lift<br />my face<br />to watch the <br />clouds<br />that hold<br />my fate urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:30537 2009-03-13T16:09:19Z 2009-03-13T16:09:19Z tonight i went out<br />to my own <br />birthday party<br />alone<br />and all your friends<br />warned me about <br />who you really are<br />and your pattern<br />how you love<br />and then <br />discard<br />when you have<br />healed<br />i worry about<br />who you are<br />if these are your friends<br />you tell me<br />Im diffrent<br />like no other<br />they say im just another <br />fool<br />picking up the peices<br />of you<br />I am stronger for this<br />what i give to you<br />is mine for ever<br />what I betray myself<br />in love<br />I will lose for all time<br />they say you drain<br />its true<br />but im enduring<br />more than you know<br />enough to walk away<br />build myself<br />and still love you<br />always<br />but you will never<br />be the only soul<br />in my heart<br />you will never<br />trap this wild<br />instinctual heart<br />it belongs to me<br />and thats more<br />than i can say<br />for you...<br />loveless in a shell<br />of life<br />you dont even <br />know<br />how to love<br />i am sad for you<br />that you glimpsed<br />all i am<br />and lost <br />all we <br />could have been urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:30340 2009-03-11T13:38:19Z 2009-03-11T13:38:19Z I can hear<br />my voice<br />rolling <br />over you<br />watching it<br />undulating<br />through<br />the chaos<br />in your thoughts<br />blood dripping<br />animals scratching<br />rising up<br />only to be calmed<br />by the heady<br />intoxicating <br />subtle changes<br />in my pitch<br />and tone<br />fairy tales<br />for the child<br />in your heart<br />that forgets<br />the moral<br />motivation<br />delicate words<br />dripping in safe<br />to drive<br />the drug induced<br />free floating<br />anxiety away urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:29999 2009-03-11T13:26:23Z 2009-03-11T13:27:37Z if the only sounds<br />in this night<br />were our hearts<br />talking<br />would it be<br />loud<br />this restless<br />yearning<br />light<br />slumber<br />or<br />the quiet slow<br />rumbeling<br />heavy<br />beat<br />of this<br />touch<br />as we rest <br />in contented<br />knowing urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:29528 2009-03-11T10:44:57Z 2009-03-11T10:44:57Z There is a stench <br />creeping through<br />these walls<br />as water drips<br />down dirty fibro<br />its death<br />flooding my nostrils <br />as i try to sleep<br />last night<br />she said<br />sometimes i feel<br />she is walking to meet me<br />we go down together<br />like sand through <br />my fingers <br />she is slipping<br />away from this world<br />in small cells<br />of self destruction<br />we know what is needed<br />coughing till <br />i cannot <br />breath <br />every day<br />i hunt<br />for a way out urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:29300 2009-03-07T13:37:54Z 2009-03-07T13:41:08Z I keep sorting<br />stacking in <br />neat piles <br />all of <br />these seeds<br />the hows and whys<br />of us <br /><br />Always as the door<br />blows open to admit<br />these strangers<br />now my friends<br />im left with <br />a mixed bag <br />again<br /><br />I keep searching<br />for a garden<br />a safe place<br />to let these seeds<br />take root<br />against the<br />fickle winds<br /><br />I hold my nose<br />to the air<br />seeking direction<br />they say lungs<br />are grief<br />and i am choking<br />on these pungent<br />scents<br /><br />So I change <br />the sheets<br />from thin <br />black and red<br />to crisp white<br />with a heavy <br />weave<br />and curl into<br />my love<br /><br />I cut my hair<br />save the hair<br />she used to<br />touch<br />wash my face <br />in pine o clean<br />no germs<br />left to spread<br />no unwanted seeds<br /><br />I bathe in oatmeal<br />essntial oils<br />epsom salts<br />rose petals<br />by candel light<br />and wait<br />watching <br />spiders<br /><br />I take note<br />of the little things<br />the dragonfly i saved<br />she called them<br />fairies<br />it kissed me<br />on the nose<br />as it found its<br />wings again<br /><br />her cats need<br />for contact<br />curling around<br />to sleep <br />on feet at the<br />kitchen sink or<br />a single paw <br />reaching<br />to rest against me<br /><br />I spend hours<br />in simple tasks<br />sorting needs<br />smelling seeds<br />and waiting<br />to breath<br />again<br />watching as I<br />remember... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:28436 2009-02-15T17:32:02Z 2009-02-15T17:32:02Z how did i end up here<br />wrapped in the arms<br />of my love<br />wanting <br />so much to walk<br />silent steps<br />least she notice<br />my departure<br /><br />how did i end up here<br />when darkness<br />spells concern<br />and a need to get home<br />knowing she will<br />be waiting<br />as would I<br /><br />how did i end up here<br />where love and need<br />fit uncomfortable<br />like our fingers<br />straining to be closer<br />that lock<br />painfully<br />below the knuckles<br />when entwind urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:28408 2009-02-15T17:14:26Z 2009-02-15T17:14:26Z she is striking <br />stones together<br />to find<br />a fire long gone<br />with an air<br />of frustration<br />as if<br />that small<br />magic<br />would bring her<br />back to us<br /><br />she wraps herself<br />around me<br />with a desperation<br />that dispells<br />all i know<br />to be true<br />looks in me<br />to find<br />fragments of her<br /><br />Suddenly in the soft words<br />of a stranger<br />i find my sureness<br />teetering<br />in doubt <br />all those rocks<br />i piled atop one another<br />trembling<br />in her sweet breath urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:orangezest78:27965 2009-02-13T15:08:21Z 2009-02-13T15:08:21Z the heart beat of the world<br />has quickened<br />my head is reeling<br />Ive tryed to speak<br />my way out<br />of all this<br />with a lingering doubt<br />anyone heard<br />but sometimes <br />she speaks my thoughts<br />in her sleep<br />I am so connected<br />in my magic<br />I can only <br />watch as it unfolds<br />in sensless <br />kindness <br />meaningful<br />beautiful cruel<br />waves<br />to land<br />licking my toes<br />with i told you so's<br /><br />"youve gota save yourself"<br />she mutters in her sleep behind me<br />and i know<br />the tempest<br />is rising again